Feeling Excluded? Here's How to Cope and Reconnect

Experiencing feelings of exclusion can be quite painful. Imagine two friends excitedly discussing an upcoming barbecue—one you weren't invited to—or noticing that colleagues consistently leave you out of lunch plans or after-work gatherings. While the best-case scenario might simply be a forgotten invite, it’s natural to question if you’ve been left out intentionally. This uncertainty can trigger a mix of emotions, ranging from sadness and anger to confusion. Almost everyone faces social exclusion at some point in their lives, but there are effective strategies to regain perspective and alleviate those feelings.

It's entirely valid to feel upset when you're excluded, regardless of intent. Annoyance might bubble up when co-workers grab coffee without you, loneliness may settle in as you discover a friend group chat without you, or you may feel hurt if a family member doesn't include you in significant events like their wedding. Identifying and exploring these emotions is a crucial first step. Some ways to do this might include:

• Journaling
• Practicing grounding exercises
• Engaging in deep breathing
• Going for a calming walk

It's important to remember that all your feelings are valid. Rather than suppressing your emotions, allow yourself to openly experience them, as this will help in processing and moving past them.

When you learn about a gathering you weren’t invited to, it's easy to jump to conclusions about why. For instance, your friends might not have invited you because they didn't want to remind you of a breakup with a mutual friend, or they might think you are too busy to join. If you're prone to imagining the worst-case scenarios, recognize that this tendency is common but unproductive. Maintaining logical thinking by considering actual evidence can provide a clearer perspective.

Challenge the belief that your friends don’t care. Look for signs that they do care. If you conclude that the evidence leans towards them valuing your friendship, it gives room for alternate explanations.

Repeated experiences of exclusion may warrant some introspection regarding your own behaviors and signals. Are you expressing a desire to be included through your body language and actions? Sometimes we may unintentionally emit closed-off vibes by crossing our arms or appearing too absorbed in our activities. Friends might interpret this as disinterest. Consider these questions about your interactions:

• Are you naturally shy, which might lead others to give you space?
• Do you actively engage others in conversation?
• Do you react negatively when others err?
• Do you inadvertently bring up heavy or distressing topics too soon?

If you're unsure of how you come across, a trusted friend might offer valuable feedback.

Keeping your concerns to yourself can limit your perspective on the situation. Consider discussing your feelings with those involved, as it can clear misunderstandings. Communicate your emotions using “I” statements to avoid placing blame. For example:

Instead of: “You always leave me out!”

Try: “I noticed I haven’t been included in the Zoom movie parties. I’d love to join the next one if possible. Can we chat about it?”

When feelings of exclusion arise, self-doubt often follows. It’s easy to question your importance to others and experience a dip in self-esteem. To combat these thoughts, positive affirmations can help re-establish your confidence:

• “I have strong, caring relationships with my friends.”
• “My sense of humor brings joy to those around me.”
• “I am someone people enjoy being with, and they will again.”

Feeling more confident may lead you to take the initiative to connect with others instead of waiting for an invitation.

Sometimes, no explanation will come after feelings of exclusion. It's important to rem

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